"I'm scared that you'll go home and forget about me"

These last couple of weeks have definitely been the best so far. I haven't felt depressed, I haven't missed him nearly as much, I got to see some old friends, I really honestly think that I'm getting better. It still hurts me that he's gone but It's something I will have to get over and I will and I am trying my hardest to do so. It's not the easiest thing to come out of such a deep slump of life and then try and find things to make you happy.

I can honestly say, the depression I had faced in the past months was hard and it was the most horrible experience of my life. I didn't know how to deal with anything, I'd walk to school with a smile on my face and when I got home, I'd just be bare, and broken. Some nights I would cry and for various reasons and others just listen to the most depressing music, it wouldn't cheer me up and I don't know why I did it. 

In the few months of this horrible time, I honestly didn't think anything was ever going to change and that I would be like this for ever, I didn't know what to think. I had no clue how long the depression was going to last or even if it would ever go away. I couldn't believe that I let myself feel that down, that dark, that sad. It wasn't fair to the happy me on the inside that wanted to come out. 

I've always felt good about something in life and the last few months of being depressed, I longed to be happy again. I missed the feeling of actually being able to smile and laugh and know that the feeling was real and that it wasn't fake. It was something that I needed, something that I couldn't find through anything. Whenever I felt sad or upset in the past, I'd listen to music, talk to my mom, watch YouTube videos, skype and text friends. The usual things that could cheer someone up. The past couple of months nothing seemed to work. I didn't know what to do. 

I couldn't believe that I let myself get like this, it wasn't to the point where I wanted to hurt myself or anything but it was so bad that I wasn't myself and that hurt me the most. I didn't want to feel that way that I did. 

The good thing is, I'm getting so much better. I've felt happy lately, I've been singing so much more than I used to even before being so depressed, I've been looking forward to going places and just having fun, I've came out of my shell and I'm so ready for the feeling of being happy again, I'm ready to feel free and to be able to live my life. 

I'm so excited because in 12 days, I'll be in the city of my dreams on a day trip with my mom. A blog post to come.. but it's a surprise, and I couldn't be more happier. 

   

With much love, 

Kristina Rene'